What kind of IG user are you?

We all love Instagram. It replaced the good old photo album. Instagram allows you to see all sorts of posts from your friends and celebrities and despite the huge amount of data bundles it consumes, you just can’t go through a day without getting tempted to have a sneak of what everyone else is up to, well a majority of us are culprits to this.

But have you ever wondered how your posts represent you? I will begin with the most annoying one.

1)      The instalovers

No one can convince me that these are not the same people who caption “penda wewe” on their online content. The same people who will continuously wave at you in messenger despite your too obvious ignorance. They will even add a “thanks for the add” conspicuously on your wall so that the whole Zuckerberg family can see how good you are at a socializing. Make a mistake of liking a few of their IG pics and the next thing you know you are tagged with a “Thank you for the instalove” caption. Do these instagrammers know that when someone consecutively likes several of their posts most of the times it’s just because they have a lot of time and WIFI on their hands? Do they also know that they embarrass us when they tag us in the instalove?

2)      The lone traveler

A whole week of posting pictures in different bikinis, sipping expensive looking champagnes, name written on sand, well spread hotel rooms, views from airplane windows, captions of how blessed they are; but no presence of another soul. Who takes these pictures? Most slay queens fall in this category. Normally they are too ashamed to reveal the blesser either because he is another woman’s property or he is too old and wouldn’t want you to see what they have to deal with every single night of the vacation. The latter is the most common.

3)      The foodie

You can mistake these people for professional food tasters. Apparently they have set foot in almost every hotel in Nairobi and they always feel the need to let other instagrammers have a peak of what they are missing. I may have posted a few of food pics but I swear I bought the food myself J . Most foodies cannot afford the foods they post.

4)      My Bae

“Keep calm, it’s our 2nd year anniversary” who told you we are panicking? Every day for them is a new day to post bae this, bae that and proclaim the unending love they share. Photos like those are quickly followed by “my favourite couple” comments and handful of likes. Don’t be fooled though, a high percentage of the likers are people who would do anything for your relationship to crumble or worse more, they will secretly inbox your bae and just like that you get a co-wife. These people are the same “Queens are born in February” kind of posters.

5)      Because I went for a photoshoot

Click, check, click, check…This is the routine for every “model” that goes for a photoshoot. I don’t know who came up with the belief that once you have professional pictures taken, you automatically become a model. These kinds of people will visit a studio with a bag full of clothes, take pictures in different attires and poses and have them edited to look like peeled cassava (translated from a kikuyu saying). They will then unleash the photos slowly by slowly and you will be mistaken to think every day is different for them, only that the too familiar background sells them off. Piece of advice, if you want to post photoshoot pictures, have the images taken everywhere else apart from a studio

6)      Inspired

These are the kind of people whose google history is a series of inspirational quotes and sayings. They will have a quote ready for every picture they post whether or not the two rhyme. The quotes mostly are related to happiness, not giving up, loving life, independence, loving oneself and are normally directed to someone, an attempt to make the world believe their life is exciting and flawless or just to represent their feelings at that particular time.

7)      Blurry

Seriously do these kinds of people have friends? You will see them posting a picture that you cannot make out what is where and not even the few likes they get can discourage them; they will post more of the blurred photos with a touch of a filter here and there. This brings me to the next category:

8)      The forced light skin

Ever met with someone in the streets and you can’t seem to place where you saw them? That’s the work of filters. Who doesn’t want “rangi ya thao” anyway? These kinds of people will utilize every filter in their Instagram and will even go ahead and download a filters app just to be sure that whatever photo they are posting is not the real them.

9)      Google maps

These kinds of people are so addicted to tagging a location of wherever they go that they even end up posting locations of different continents without a batt of the eyelid. How else will you know they are travelers?

10)   Every day, certain time poster

I have a strong feeling that these people have an alarm set at one particular time(s) daily. They are also the kinds who will have already researched captions so that not a minute will pass of their designated posting time. Mostly the pictures are normally an office selfie taken 5 minutes after arrival when the makeup is fresh and glowing.

11)   Multiple photos

Raise your hand if you have had to block someone who posts multiple photos, same background just a change in poses. Enough said.

12)   Once in a blue moon

You be mistaken to think that these people lack life but there is something about them that I like(referring to the male species only) These are the people who don’t feel the need to let the world know about their every move. Mostly, they have travelled dined and experienced exotic places than everyone else. Such are people who when they upload a picture, they get so much appreciation as one views it like that one rare diamond. Us others are like bronzeJ

13)   Video posters

Seriously why would someone post videos back to back? Do you know how much IG kulas bundles? The most annoying part is that most of them don’t load and in almost every 5 videos posted, 2 are of you lip synching to Cardi B

14)   Selfie addict.

An Instagram filled with tons of pictures of you looking back at you; and it gets more weird and awkward when the poster happens to be a man.

15)   The fitness freaks

Theirs is an Instagram filled with images taken on the treadmill, on cold sidewalks during morning joggings, healthy salads and mugs of green tea followed by endless #weightloss #stayfit #bodyfatforwho, but we all know that half of the time they are just pretending to lead a healthy lifestyle.

16)   The Slutty one

The list couldn’t be complete without putting into the limelight this category, after all that’s what they like thriving one. We all have that one Instagram user whom if not posting slutty, half nude, sexy images of herself in compromising positions, she is somewhere creating a caption that will accomplish what the picture might miss. They feel the need to show their assets out to the world in the belief that they will get the attention they hungrily crave; obviously, they get the attention but not the “I wanna take you to the altar kind of attention, it’s more of I wanna take you to bed kind of attention.