The Day I Broke Down

The building was made of white wood in a cottage like design; it made me warm up inside. It looked just like how I envisioned my small house in the woods, but still, I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to proceed, I had doubts if anything would ever take away the pain. Somehow, I had resigned to learning how to live with it; but I had made a decision of giving people and things a benefit of doubt, so with a sigh, I climbed up the rickety wooden stairs and came to a corridor lined up with white doors. I walked up to the first door, took a deep breath and knocked timidly. “Come in” a soft welcoming voice called out from the inside. My turmoil had led me to this. I spoke the first word and everything about why I was there in the first place came out admits tears and pauses here and there.  I recollected the feelings I had buried deep inside my soul in a bid to prevent them from spewing. I relieved every memory that I had of the series of the events that had taken place in a span of months; the scenes getting clearer with every word. The lovely lady passed a box of tissues. I continued to let out everything, feeling lighter with every tear and sob. Finally, I looked up. She smiled, stretched out her hands and whispered “This is where you belong” With a tinge of hope, I looked around the small, cozy room that I would become a regular visitor of for the next couple of months. I locked her hands into mine and with a shaky appreciative voice mumbled a Thank You….And on this day I broke down. On this day I started a journey.

I had come to love the journey. It opened up a whole new world which I never knew existed. The pain was getting smaller and irrelevant with each passing day. With time, I realized many were out there, only a few daring to brave the reality. Listening to other people share their stories only brought my glimmer of hope nearer and nearer. I gained a new perspective of things. Sundays became my most favorite day, the day I would receive a whole spiritual dose to take me through the week. I tackled the assignment given to us with a new burst of energy every day.  Then something happened; in the course of working on my assignment, I came across a chapter called “The character of God” and my life was changed! Everything I tackled in this chapter left me mesmerized. I was awe struck on how religion worked, how each verse in the bible spoke to us, how much I had underestimated the bible. It was a beautiful awakening. I came to understand the impact of Christ’s death, the forgiving of sins, the attainment of a second chance and suddenly, I knew I made the right choice visiting the little white cottage….And on this day I broke down, bittersweet tears of regretting how much I had taken God for granted and of happiness on my new found love; God.

I started radiating happiness. Anguish episodes became less and less and I started loving the person I was becoming. My life was taking form once again. I was in a good place both mentally and emotionally. I took a break from the white cottage for the holidays and as fate would have it, it happened again… I could not understand why God would allow me to go through a rough time just weeks after encountering him.  But I took this as a test.  This time I handled it differently. I had clarity and less pressure. It did break me though and there was a vacuum in my soul that I could not seem to fill. My heart became heavy as I started recounting on how far I had come and here I was, getting back to square one. I became pale and distant, hiding behind a smile every time; but I always woke up and showed up. I braved my everyday responsibilities and existence. I was determined not to hit rock bottom again. The hole in my soul became wider with each passing day and I started yearning for something to fill it up and so on a certain cold night in December, just a few minutes before the New Year, I had an urge to replenish the little understanding I had come to learn of God…I came to him with guilt, regret, anguish, self-hate, shame, a ton of sins and he was kind enough to give me a second chance. I gave my life to him and instantly, the huge vacuum disappeared and in its place peace prevailed. Unexplainable peace which surpasses all understanding; peace that I experience to date….And on this day I broke down; tears of finally finding peace.

“Ann has some news for us” my thoughts got interrupted by the lovely lady’s voice. I hesitated. She gave me a look of affirmation. I cleared my throat and readjusted my seat. I knew it was not going to be easy. “I am going to start with the good news” I started out. “I gave my life to Christ” From the corner of my eyes I could see faces breaking with smiles, admiration glances and a few came up to give me a hug. Quickly I glanced away as I prepared to say the bad news. Those were received with an awkward silence but it quickly turned to comfort pats and encouraging looks.   “We understand. Most of us here could have done the same thing” the lovely lady interjected. I managed a smile and went back to my seat. Nothing really mattered at that point, Christ had already redeemed me. What followed were rigorous sessions of opening up, revisiting past experiences which at some point made me weak but now I had a cushion to fall back on; Christ. I learnt more about the forgiving of sins and I came to understand a very interesting fact; Many years ago, Christ died for our sins, even those that we are yet to commit, hence all that is needed of you is to sincerely repent any trespasses you may have committed and he will be kind enough to welcome you into his fold. Another character of God that really spoke to me was that he forgives and forgets. Once you repent, not only will he make your sins white as snow, he will see you as a complete new being. Time flew and I only had a few sessions before the amazing journey would come to an end. Doubts and fear started kicking in. Would I manage to get through without the classes anymore? What would become of my fresh salvation? But the lovely lady assured us that we would soon create a bible study group, one that would help us retain the small knit family bond we had created…On this day I broke down, tears of the reality that I was losing people I had come to love as family.

The last day was finally here. It was a special one. It would mark the end of the journey. I sat silently in the back seat of the Uber lost deep in thought. I could not help but compare the mess that walked up to that small cottage many months ago to the person I had become…the change was drastically good and unbelievable. “Tumefika” my thoughts were disrupted by the Uber driver. I quickly paid and with one of my closest friend on tow, we trotted across the busy street. Unlike other days, the weather was chilly with a light drizzle, somehow it gave me comfort. I took it as a sign from God that it’s all ending peacefully. We were among the first people to arrive and we decided to kill time by taking some selfies and having some biting. Soon people started trickling into the room and we followed suit. Unlike the small cottage that had gotten accustomed to, the new room was big lined with what seemed like pews. Soft worship music was playing from the speakers above giving one a soothing feeling. A beautifully decorated table stood at the front with cards placed on them. I could make out my name in one of the cards. The lovely lady was already here, she calmly smiled as she beckoned me to sit next to her. The smile took me back to the first day I met her several months ago. Moments later, it was my turn to say a word. Nostalgically, I spoke my heart out telling of how good God had been to me, showcased the sentimental gifts I had custom made and walked round the table with Hillsong’s I surrender playing in the background…And on this day I broke down. On this day the final tears dropped.